I feel the warmth of the sun upon the back of my neck. The heat’s not unbearable while the wind keeps my shirt dry. I can feel the cold front moving in, I always can and not just in my bones.
The winds are changing and it’s not just the air that gave it away. The void only reminds me of the greatness I once felt. As the ticks tock, I begin to realize things will never be like they once were. It’s the inevitable result that’s as sure as it is crushing.
Clouds begin rolling in as the skies darken to prepare for the cleanse. I can see the majestic white glow of the sun above a gray marshmallow that just seems to become one with the sky endlessly. I fear I need this storm to happen but the beauty in front of me means I have already forgiven what’s about to come.
I will still feel it’s sharp wrath twist inside me like a dagger. When lightning strikes, I always wait for the thunder to roar. The cleanse is happening and the uncertainty that has haunted me will be brought into the limelight. This storm has been brewing for a long time but it still hasn’t arrived quite yet.
My mind wanders as I think about the events that transpired leading me to this point. I can’t help but wonder if I am doing the right thing or just escalating the tension.
I begin to hear the light patter of the rain on the roof. This storm wants to begin as softly as I hope it finishes. The soothing sound trances me into a meditative state. I breathe in only to breathe out. I simply exist although I feel as though I am not even here.
I close my eyes, if only for a second, only to feel a brick of exhaustion keeping each eyelid shut. I realize it’s ok if I fall backwards to land on my bed… if only my bed were behind me. A long day only feels longer when you allow yourself a moment to rest.
I’m afraid this night is only beginning and the storm’s just getting started
I breathe in to find energy flowing through my lungs. A second wind with a devil’s grin and my mind is back on track. I open my eyes to see a green haze in the skies above, reflecting off the rolling sea of clouds. The sun is hiding but the darkness is not here yet.
I find peace in knowing my feelings have been expressed. I like that I know where I stand but now it’s just a waiting game. Nothing is owed to me but I won’t run away. Not from this, I definitely do not want to avoid this storm anymore.
However, the choice is not mine to make. I can only continue to walk in the rain, hoping lightning will not strike me until the decision is made. One way or the other, there’s only a split in the road without a single sign telling me where they lead.
I will have to trust my gut on this one, as my footsteps splash the puddles of rain onto my legs. I start walking left, for a moment I hesitated and almost turned to go right at the last second, but I decided to trust my initial instinct.
I can hear the rain falling on the leaves, as I look around all I can see are trees. Everywhere. At least my clothes are getting some relief from the rain though. I keep moving forward but am surprised at the complete lack of any kind of vital signs in the forest. Every new tree trunk I pass looks like the last and if I’m not careful I know my mind will play tricks on me in here.
I must not panic though, I must remain calm. There is nothing to lose because there is equally nothing to gain. I can feel the path becoming more narrow as I keep moving forward but I take that as a good sign, at least I was almost completely certain I was not walking in circles.
My feet grow weary as my heart tires. This journey feels like it has no ending in sight and the thunder is still a distant rumble.
When will this storm begin and where does this path end?
Suddenly lightning lights up the entire forest and I can see everything. Visions of a haunted past full of hardships, misery, perseverance and ultimately fate itself.
The rain began to pour harder and harder as the drops easily penetrated the defenseless leaves. I could feel the puddles of rain forming at the tip of my nose and the bottom of my chin. The temperature dropped rapidly as I began to see my breath in the air. Every bolt of lightning is followed by a thunderous rumble like the stone gates of hell are rolling open just ahead.
It’s too cold to be in hell, isn’t it?
I don’t know what to think anymore but I’m not gonna turn around now. I’ve come too far and I’ve become far too curious to stop now.
Lightning strikes again and the thunder followed immediately. It’s as if the storm has eyes or maybe I’m just in the eye of the storm. I finally see something faint in the distance up ahead but I can’t quite see it through the droplets of rain clinging to my eyelashes. I try to rub my eyes dry but my hands are so goddamn wet that it’s really only making it worse. My mind is so occupied with trying to dry my eyelids off that I hardly notice the rain is slowing down.
My fortress of leaves is working again, somebody must have restored the power, but who? I’m the only one out here, aren’t I?
I finally arrive where the path has narrowed to its end
I see a table with a glass half full of a caramel colored liquid with the words drink this carved onto the wooden surface. I could use a drink right about now so I might as well oblige. I bring the rim of the tumbler under my snout to investigate the scent. It smells like whiskey, a strong whiskey. As I throw it back I realize this is no ordinary whiskey.
This shit ain’t from Tennessee
The burn is familiar but much stronger than any I had felt before. I could swear I heard a voice shouting “boy, now you’re on fire!”
Maybe it was just my imagination but I can feel my body temperature rising as I look for a place to rest my weary legs after walking so much. I finally decide to sit on the ground but it feels like I’m sinking in quicksand.
I decide to let go and give in, I want to see where the quicksand will take me.
Everything goes dark
When I open my eyes again, I am inside a hallway with many red doors. The lighting is very poor but there’s one single light bulb flickering over the only black door. I become very curious as to what could possibly be behind the black door so I stand up and approach it.
The handle seems to have been carved from bone. There are no other identifying marks of any kind on the door or the wall around the frame. I hesitated with my hand a mere inch away from the handle as I can feel my heart beginning to race. The walls around my heart feel as though they are shrinking while my lungs feel one breath away from collapse.
I touch the handle. It’s cold, not ice cold, but very cold. I move the handle down and hear a very loud click as I swing the door open.
It’s dark inside. I wait for a minute to see if my eyes will adjust to the darkness before I step into the room. I hear the door slam shut behind me as I hopefully am alone in this darkness. Afraid of what I might find, I close my eyes when I begin to hear an eerie voice with a two octave pitch simultaneously saying: “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me.”
Is this the voice of my higher self or something sinister?
To be continued…
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